I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
