I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
