3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
