Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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