I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
