I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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