He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
