already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
