Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
