he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
