The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
