Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
