I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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