When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
