1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
