The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize