i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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