I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
