I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
