I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
