i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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