i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
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I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
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Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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