Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
