how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Drunk is not a location!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
