so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
