i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
