I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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