I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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