I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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