can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
