I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The air was thick with penises
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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