I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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