I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
