Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
