I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
