Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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