i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
