mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
