Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
