I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
he just fucked me for my cheese.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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