ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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