By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
