You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
