It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
