My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
