I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
