My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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