Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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