If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
