Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
