he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
