My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
