oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
