Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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