I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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