Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
