Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We left an ass print on the piano.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
