At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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