This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
