i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
