My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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